Thursday, 12 July 2007

middle-land

All is quiet - so quiet it's disturbing. After the storm of my meltdown, the fire of my anger, the zest of my determination to reach my goals and the thrill of my successes, I find myself in a lull - a dip - a sleepy hollow.

I'm in-between stages, in middle-land. My volunteer training is over, Rock Choir has finished for the summer (except for our performance on Sunday) and I've more or less finished with writing; not deliberately - but promising leads are drying up, my pitches are half-hearted and no-one is getting back to me. So I sit here, metaphorically twiddling my thumbs, dying to get on with something, eager to get my teeth into some kind of work to regain a sense of purpose and usefulness, but with the schools breaking up next week and my plans to return to academia in September, there seems to be no point.

If I'm honest, there are things I could be doing. Things need to be done around the house, plans need to be made, contacts need to be chased-up, academic books sit on the table waiting to be read, articles (which exist in my head) wait to be pitched and written. Part of me would love to get all fired-up again, tackling each job with gusto and getting the satisfaction from getting something done. But I can't make myself do it; my motivation is about as droopy as an ancient balloon.

That's one of the problems working from home. There's no-one around who can encourage, direct, criticise, chivvy, or generally gee-up. Work colleagues are virtual, the readers of my prose are faceless - if they exist at all - and feedback is limited. It's easy to get dispirited, to sink into the comforting embrace of sloth and idleness and even easier to justify not doing anything.

So .....if there is anyone out there, reading this now, who feels like writing a little comment, I'll know I'm not alone in cyberspace and who knows, I might just be prodded into action.

4 comments:

OSLO said...

You're not alone!!!! I'm probably a bit young for a mid-life crisis but I'm constantly worried that when the time comes I'll be a candidate for one. I'm a trailing spouse and mother of 3 under 6 desperate to do something fabulous with my life and writing is the only thing that makes sense. Ha! ha! ha!
I get what you're saying about having articles in your head but not the motivations to try and transfer them to paper and pitch them into the black hole where many a potential brilliant article lies. Anyway, hope this helps :-) Children vying for my attention so can hardly put a thought down.
By the way, found your blog through a link from the Alpha Mummy blog on The Times - now that must cheer you up :-)
Jo

Insy said...

Consider yourself encouraged.

This is only a temporary stage, the kids are growing and their needs are changing, even while you feel stuck

You have a wonderful chance coming up -- you will gain from it even if circumstances change and you never get the coveted "Dr".

Set your ambitions for the week on putting just one of those bright ideas on paper. Plan something to enjoy with the kids -- they will never be this age again. Look for other ways to gain a sense of achievement alongside winning at patience.

Good luck.

Motheratlarge said...

Thank you for describing these emotions so well. I also work at home, as a writer, and can identify only too well with much of what you describe. Hang on in there.

beta mum said...

Editors are awful at getting back to people - it may not be the pitches.
Or maybe the pitches need work.
Join Journalism.co.uk and read the threads on the e-mail list - then you'll know you're not alone.