Sunday, 30 September 2007

I've got the wobbles

I have that feeling in my stomach tonight - a gurgling, writhing, fluttering, slightly slippery feeling. It's one of those gut-turning sensations; the result of a mixture of conflicting emotions - excitement, worry and vague dread . The cause? In a few hours my life is going to change and I don't really know how I feel about it or what it's going to be like.

Tomorrow I'm going to London. I'm going to re-register at the University as a returning postgraduate, coming back after 20 long years to try, once and for all, to complete my PhD.

Up to now, I've been looking forward to it, but now I feel in an ever-so-slight panic. Am I really ready for the work? The commitment? The inevitable stress and the toll that will take on my family? Suddenly I'm not so sure.

I've just been checking last minute arrangements; train timetables, emails, paperwork, checkbooks..but even so I feel thoroughly underprepared. My new supervisor - almost half my age I'm sure - has already suggested a raft of books I should be reading. But I haven't had the time, nor the opportunity, nor the access to the library.

I am only just realising the enormity of the task ahead of me. I've no idea just how it will all work out or how well I will slot it into my life, but one thing's for sure: it's going to be hard hard graft from now on. No more coasting, slacking, relaxing, or indulging.

But I have to do it. It's my last chance to finish this thing , so wish me luck, because (dramatic emphasis) at the moment I don't know whether or when I'll have a chance to post again.


belle said...

Wow Mid-lifer, yet more things we share ;o) Although my PhD had better wait a couple of years as I really need to graduate from this one first ... Really exciting news and I hope you return from London with bag loads of enthusiasm and energy for your task. Also hope you keep blogging, I'll miss you if you stop. If you get chance, tell us what you're going to be studying?

Dee said...

wow from me too! What a task ahead. I'm in complete admiration and I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this. Hope the trip to London goes well and you'll feel highly motivated!

Mid-lifer said...

Thanks Belle and Dee,

Just back. As I walked out of my supervisor's office I honestly felt like bursting into tears. At the moment it feels totally overwhelming - I have SUCH a MASSIVE mountain to climb and the reality has just hit me what it's all going to mean.

Sigh - already exhausted and ever-so tempted to walk away now before I've paid up. But I don't expect I will. I have to give it one last shot don't I????

Tina said...

Of course you have to give it a try. And, like Belle and I, you'll blog when you're trying to avoid writing an essay. We expect to hear just as much from you. Lots & lots of luck

Mid-lifer said...

Thanks Tina, think I'm going to need a lot of coaching and motivating on the way.

debio said...

You sooo must do this, mid-lifer.

Don't look up at the mountain, just take one step at a time - and when you're resting on a ledge - tell us all about what you can see below and how far you've come.

Flowerpot said...

Go for it, midlifer! I really admire you. Yes it's bound to take its toll on all sorts of things but I bet hyou'd regret it if you didn't do it.

Swearing Mother said...

You are an inspiration! Good luck to you, I say, and I hope it all goes well which I am sure it will.

Thanks for visiting my blog,by the way, I have so enjoyed reading yours.

Good luck in London!

Dee said...

I can relate to the 'massive mountain to climb' as I have about 200lbs to lose (or more if I can possibly manage). It's matter of mind over matters. You CAN do this, and you will. And you will enjoy it on some days and you'll struggle on others. That's the reality.
You have my support mid-lifer.

Mid-lifer said...

Thanks for the votes of confidence everyone.

I went in and paid my money yesterday, got my library and student cards and a couple of books out.

I'm trying not to look at the mountain debio - every time I feel overwhelmed or feelings of inadequacy creeping in, I'm trying to block them with positive thoughts. But I have to say, I was up most of the night with anxious ruminations last night...that's gotta stop!

Right now I have to face another new thing: I'm doing my first voluntary visit with a family who are struggling (as part of a local scheme) and I'm feeling a little unsure about that as well....what a week!

Mid-lifer said...

Oh and Dee...good luck to you too. I lost 33lbs this year and it's made such a difference to the way I feel about myself. Just do it lb by lb, once you start losing, it's a real boost.

btw I found weightwatchers fantastic (tho I never went along to the weigh-ins.)

Mean Mom said...

Best of luck, Mid'lifer. Do your best. No-one can ask any more. That is what my parents always said to me, and I have said the same to my own lads.

Hope everything goes well. You will always be able to rely on your fellow bloggers for encouragement, I think.

Dee said...

Thanks mid-lifer! I'm with slimming world and I've lost 19lbs with them already (in 6 weeks). 28lbs total as I had started 'on my own' before joining SW. But it's still a looooong road.

Mean mom is right, do your best. It's all you can ask of yourself.
Live your best life, that's one of my mottos. This is part of your best life.

Omega Mum said...

Good luck. Go for it. If that's what you want, you'll do it, and with huge success, I'm sure.